Take your pick.

I have a habit of people watching when I am on the MRT or on the bus. It’s interesting to observe people and their behaviours. Of course there are times where I have noticed people and wished i never saw them doing what they did, while during other times, I have a good laugh. J Anyways, a couple of days back, I noticed a couple on the MRT who were engaging in a frivolous conversation. I couldn’t quite catch what they were discussing, but from the looks of it, they were enticing each other. I couldn’t help but notice how different they seemed from each other. A complete mismatch! Ok, that’s mean. But I didn’t mean they looked bad or anything, they just didn’t seem compatible. It’s like associating Bug’s Bunny with Minnie Mouse. Jokes aside, I guess there are many different criterions people adopt in finding the right partner.

(1) Physical appearance
This is the most superficial of the lot, but reality is that it plays the most important role in relational development. Many people are drawn to good looking individuals. Take for instance you spot a really good looking boy at a party. You are completely mesmerized by his looks and you can’t stop yourself from looking at him. And you know they say if you stare at someone long enough the person ends up staring back at you? Imagine he catches a glimpse of you and gives you a light smile while raising his glass of wine a little. You would definitely consider finding an opportunity to strike a conversation with him, wouldn’t you?

(2) SimilarityMany people tend to fall for people whose interests are very much alike. Take Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for example. They have one common interest for sure- CHILDREN!


Or David and Victoria Beckham and their passion for fashion. Bottom line I guess having similarities play a big role in keeping couples together because it reduces the risks of conflicts occurring for one, and also I believe it makes you feel “connected” to each other.


(3) Dissimilarities or complements
On the contrary, we can also apply the famous “opposites attract” theory . People may feel they function better together than separately. I remember reading a book by Doris Lessings titled “The Grass is singing”. In that novel, the character Mary Turner mentioned “she needed a man stronger than her”. This is an example of how he would complement her in terms of his strength. Actually, even taking a simple example of an ordinary couple can illustrate this point. A husband who can’t cook marries a wife who happens to be a very good cook. He can work for the family, and come home to a delicious spread of his favourite dishes. J
Sometimes dissimilarities also draw people together because they enjoy the “missing factor” in themselves. Someone who isn’t very daring may find it rather exciting watching the opposite do fun, adventurous things. Both ways, I guess is an appropriate time for couples to feel say they “Complete” each other.

Basically I realised I shouldn’t have judged the physical appearance of the couple on the train. Maybe they fell in love under the 2nd category : Dissimilarities. Maybe they complement each other. Sorry couple! By the way, there are many other factors that influence the choice of a suitable partner. Any new ones you can name?

Get used to choices.

I have often had debating thoughts about whether arranged marriages or love marriages are better options. Our lecture on interpersonal communications gave me a reason to research a little about this issue and come to a conclusion. In the process of researching, I learnt a lot about arranged marriages and the fact that there were different types. For example, in a "forced marriage" the parents choose their son's or daughter's future spouse with no input from their son or daughter. Occasionally, even if the son or daughter disapproves of the choice, the marriage takes place regardless, overriding their objections. In a "child marriage" children, or even infants, are married. The married children often live apart with their respective families until well after puberty. Child marriages are typically made for economic or political reasons. Interesting?
I had a chat with my uncle and my grandfather a few weeks back, about marriage. My grandfather expressed his concerns about his grand children (my cousins and myself) getting married to partners of other cultures or races. Naturally, belonging to a younger generation, my uncle and I failed to understand his concern. I sat on the sofa and watched both of them exchange opposing views about this topic. My uncle felt the need for him to move on with times and to learn to except changes in society, while my grandfather felt the need to stick to traditions. His reasons for believing that arranged marriages were a better option included the following.
(1) Youngsters these days are too easily influenced by the effects of love to make logical choices.
In arranged marriages, many factors are considered in choosing the right partner. Some factors include
· Reputation of the family
· Religion
· Wealth and stability
· Horoscope
· Health (any pre-existing health problems?)
· Physical appearance (Boy should be taller than the girl, girl should be fair)
We see over here, how physical appearance plays a relatively important role in relational formation and development, and how judgments of physical attractiveness are influenced by cultural norms, especially in the early stages of relationships.
This ensures that potential problems that can arise in a marriage are already looked into. “This is why most arranged marriages are successful” He said.
My uncle however, felt that some were superficial factors that were considered in finding the right partner. He conformed to the idea of marrying someone you genuinely love and can get along with, provided he or she comes from a good family and that two can support each other and the family well enough.
(2) Couples and their parents may have more similar cultural and social backgrounds rather than that of their host country's culture.
He mentioned that inter-caste marriages weaken the caste system, which is generally not preferred. Noticing how unconvinced I was, he went on to explain to me that marriage does not only involve the union of two people, but also the union of two families. When backgrounds are similar, good interaction falls into place automatically. When two families have different values and practices, very often adapting to them becomes challenging. Take for example a family who practices vegetarianism and a family who doesn’t. Can you imagine having to give up meat for life in order to adapt to your new family?
This exchange continued till the two of them sipped their last bit of tea. I came across an interesting video online that captured the shift in perception about an ideal marriage, between two different generations. Have a look at it.
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=arranged+marriage&search_type=&aq=0&oq=arranged
We see how the parents of the girl adhere to the traditional practice of arranged marriages or match-making. The video displays a typical “first meeting” between the girl and her husband-to-be. The families have done their background research about each other and are satisfied. Clearly, she does not know anything about him, other than his name. (Raju). We see how she centres herself between her parents, directly opposite the boy. However, the video then moves on to her grabbing a remote control and “choosing” the “channel” of her choice. This is a good representation of how the concept of arrange marriages are being adopted and altered. For instance, another point my grandfather raised when my uncle encouraged him to move on with times was that now, elders find a list of potential partners for their child to choose from. This means that the two are introduced to each other and they have the honour of deciding whether or not they would like to take this meeting to another level. The video then goes on to her finding her “Mr Right Guy”. My favourite part of the clip however, is the part where the girl’s mother grabs the remote and points to her husband. The video ends with the caption “Get used to choices”. This is particularly significant because it reinforces the idea of having to move on with times and adapt to the shifts in mentality.

I still haven’t made up my mind as to which I feel is better.

As I sit on the sofa with the laptop resting comfortably on my lap, I crack my brains about what to write about in my next entry. I try to brainstorm about all the concepts we learnt in the past week, and search desperately online for a form of media that isn’t already a year old. As frustration starts to get the better of me, my mind starts to wander. Mind you, when my mind wanders, my thoughts go extreme. (Especially when I’m frustrated). I start to blame society and technological advancement. It’s their fault blogging has become a phenomenon. WHY!!!! (Then I calm down for 2mins)
Then I imagine what COM101 would be like if blogging wasn’t part of our grade. Or what if COM101 just wasn’t a module?
Oh! Even better! “WHAT IF COMMUNICATION JUST DIDN’T EXIST?” Hmm...Interesting. I stop to think. I’m sure it is possible to live without communicating, right?
When do we communicate verbally? (1) When we need to express ideas, thoughts or opinions
Ok, when we need to tell someone something, we have to speak in order for them to know what we want from them. But then again, people don’t bother listening to each other all the time, so why bother communicating? Think about a typical lunch at a crowded, noisy hawker centre. How many times have you ordered a bowl of noodle soup and requested for bee hoon instead of yellow mee but received yellow mee any ways? Or how many times have your mothers told you to buy two packets of tofu and one bag of potatoes but instead, you purchase one packet of tofu and two bags of potatoes? Many times!!
(2) When we want to express our feelings and emotions
If we are happy with someone or we are enjoying the company of close friends, we chit chat and laugh at each other’s comments as a form of acknowledgement. Alternatively, when someone makes a passing remark about you that you do not like at all, you get angry, and in 9 out of 10 cases, you will want to give him a piece of your mind. Or how about expressing your love for someone. I’m sure girls find it really upsetting if their boyfriends don’t say “I love you baby, “before hanging up.
Ok, so maybe verbal communication in this context is necessary.

Or how about non-verbal communication? When and how do we communicate non-verbally?

(1) Through facial expressions and body language
Take a look at this picture.


Emotion: Angry. How can we tell? Typical signs of anger:
· Neck and/or face appears red or flushed.
· Baring of teeth and snarling.
· Clenched fists. (probably)
It would be quite funny if people only communicated through cial expressions or body languages, wouldn’t it? Imagine having an argument with someone through expressions. “Face to Face” Ha-ha!
(2) Through art
I know of many people who express their feelings through art. In fact, I remember going to the Institute of Mental Health for a service activity where we interacted with the patients( children and teenagers) and I noticed the rooms were decorated with drawings by them. I remember very clearly, a drawing by a 11-year old boy who couldn’t speak, who drew a room with a glass window and a boy (which i assume was himself) trying to climb out of it. When I saw the drawing I was pretty impressed at his artistic talents. However, after looking at it for a while, I realised he was trying to say something through the art piece. To me, it felt like he was trying to express how trapped he felt being in the wards most of the time. Pretty sad. But anyways, this is one example of how art is a form of communication.

I guess there are many other ways of communicating non-verbally. Through objects, maybe even through dance or visual art. In a nutshell, I think communicating verbally or non-verbally alone, would be very challenging. For a person who loves to talk, I cannot imagine not being able to communicate through speech. Non-verbal communication more or less acts as a complement to speech. I think the two go hand in hand, making it possible for people to understand each other.
So I guess being frustrated helps once in a while. I’m glad COM101 exists and I am happy with the blogging phenomenon. =)

What do you think?

“Perception is the process by which we make sense of the world around us.” I find it very intriguing, how people are so similar, yet our minds are extremely diverse. In week two, we learnt that perceptions are shaped by our beliefs, cultural backgrounds or even past experiences. I was working in Julia Gabriel Centre for learning before coming to SIM. I worked mostly with children aged 6months-36months. Working with these adorable babies was a learning experience for me. Other than learning baby tips from the mothers, my ideas about certain issues changed as I started to spend more time with them. I realised that the way a child “makes sense of the world” around them is completely different from the way adults make sense of it. I got to experience this first hand.
A small example. The theme for last term was “under the sea”. During the snack time segment of one of the classes, I offered a child (20months old) some biscuits that were in the shape of fish, and a glass of water. He immediately put the fish in the cup of water. Surprised at what he was doing, I asked him,
“Sam (not his real name), what are you doing?”
“Teacher Niki the fish needs to be in the water otherwise it will die!” Isn’t it interesting how children make associations and remember things? An adult, or myself for that matter, would never have thought of something like that. His knowledge, at that age, about fish must have probably been fish live in the ocean, and live in water. Clearly, this shows how perception is shaped by knowledge.


This is a picture of triplets I worked with. The one in the middle has a phobia of furry objects. In the class, a new puppet is introduced every week. The first week, a mouse was introduced. Unlike his other siblings, he burst into tears when the lead teacher took out the mouse from behind. He was very wary about where the teacher went with the puppet and was very careful about maintaining a distance from it. The following week, an owl was introduced. The fact that the owl was furry and looked almost identical to a real one didn’t help at all. Once again, he cried and had to be consoled when the puppet was brought around the class. The funny thing is that over time he started to associate the teacher with the puppet and would cry the minute she was within his vicinity. I used to find it quite funny that he had such an unusual fear. But later, I learned that he had had an encounter with a dog that unexpectedly turned around and barked at him, which caught him by surprise. Then I realised how it is also possible for perception to be shaped by past experiences. His fear for anything with fur was largely attributed to the fact that the dog had barked at him. Considering how small he is, the size of the dog as well as the loud bark might have been too overwhelming for him. In the case of adults, an encounter like that would probably keep us away from dogs alone- An animal that barks. However his perception of a dog, from what I understand now is anything with fur that moves. Hence, he stays away from everything that has fur.
Basically, these examples show that perceptions vary from person to person. In cases like these, looking through the eyes of others helps us better understand or learn how they feel about certain issues. Very often people limit their views to only how they visualise things, resulting in misunderstandings or miscommunications.

Just for my own satisfaction, I would like to end this entry with a simple test of perception. I came across a dialogue between two people in a recent Bollywood movie, where the couple squabble over something and the actress says something like this.
“So? I’m a girl. And I have every right to change my mind”.
I was pretty excited when I heard that line. Obviously because I’m a girl, and the first thought that came to my mind was “Ah! I can’t wait to use that line on someone”. =)

So, what do you think, is this line justifiable?